how did i get mono?

that is the question everyone asks. my doctor said if you already have the epstein-bar virus, which 95% of people do, that stress can bring on mono. but i didn't feel stressed. and i was at a peak , turning a corner in health after getting some things figured out. i'd lost 6 pounds. i felt great.

but tonight, looking back, i realize there were a few big things going on. i didn't think i was stressed but my body felt differently.

within 2 weeks of each other, two very important ladies in our life were diagnosed with cancer. the one with the worst case living too far away for us to be with.

the one year mark of baby bazil arrived. i was more sad than i thought i'd be. and since i'm pretty sure no one remembered, i didn't say anything to anyone. another thing that popped into my head as i was thinking about him was that my miscarried baby was due about that same time. i kind of mourned that again as well. i always felt that baby was a boy. to think, i'd have a 9 year old boy and 1 year old boy running around with february birthdays! and the only ones to share a birthday month with grandpa. (i recognize the fact that had he been born, things would be very different and we may not have ever adopted. it's just fun to think about my girls sandwiched between two brothers:))

and then the excitement of the grammy's.(good stress is still stress i was informed) but i was worried about wearing a fancy dress since i never have before, except junior prom! stupid body image issues.

the hives started 1 week before the grammy's which is when the anticipation really started, 1 week after baby bazil day, and 2 and 3 weeks after cancer announcements.

perhaps that's the cause? i guess we will never know for sure but it re-instills the fact that i need to TALK about things and not hold them inside.

i love so deeply that a lot of times i just don't know how to deal with it. i am thinking about and loving people that likely have no idea. i am a lover.

my parents and kg's parents are heavy on my mind. my last grandma alive is likely in her last days and i don't like that it's been since last summer that i've seen her. when something hurts my heart, i tend to shut it out. that's not fair to those people and then they think i don't care. when in reality i care so much it hurts.

and now since writing this i'm eating a root beer float, even though i already had one a couple of hours ago. emotional eating much? gah.

hopefully writing this out will be just was my heart was needing. writing can be good therapy.