Wednesday, January 27, 2010

just need to say it. maybe it will help me somehow.

i feel like i have so much held inside. i have a list of things that i keep thinking about and replaying and trying to figure out. but i don't know if i can figure them out without talking about them. i just need to let it all out. but i don't feel like i can write about it. a lot of people can't handle the truth. and sometimes i can't either. and if i put certain things out there, i open myself up to people giving their opinion. the problem is, not only do i feel like i can't talk about it in a blog setting, i feel like there is a lot i can't talk about to ANYONE.(except kg. he's knows everything there is to know about me) but sometimes you just need to talk to a girlfriend. but as the saying goes, once a secret is shared, it's no longer a secret. you can't really trust anyone but yourself. once you let it out, you are vulnerable. i wish i didn't care what people think. but i do. i don't want judgment anymore than the next person. i also don't want to jeopardize our situation so that prevents me from talking about my job. i have goals and desires but i'm afraid i'll be laughed at. or held accountable. maybe i'm the one laughing at myself and if i say it out loud it makes it more real. i don't know. i know living out of my ward boundaries is making me feel isolated these days. it started bothering me about 6 months ago. it was the first time i started missing my house in five years. i don't 'know' many people around me because it's a conflict of interest for me. i don't have anyone close by to 'just sit with the kids for a minute' while i run an errand. i want to feel like i'm in a neighborhood again. i want to move home. bad. but we can't afford to live there without me working. i miss downtown. i miss the northend streets. i miss being close to those in my ward. i miss my house. i want to be able to send my girls outside to play. i'm want to be able to send them downstairs to play. let them be loud without waking up kg. let them jump off the furniture without the neighbors below fearing of an earth quake. i thought these feelings would go away after a few months but the desire is just getting stronger. especially with changes that are coming.
i have 'friends' but i don't really feel like i have friends. makes no sense i'm sure but i know what i'm talking about. anyway, that's probably enough for now. i need to start making dinner.


Colleen said...

i am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. i am always here for you. call me or text me if you want. 801-850-2989. sending hugs and dove chocolate to you.

Audie said...

If you want to talk, let me know!!! I feel some of the same things you do!!

ang :o) said...

thanks colleen. you're sweet. we really do need to get together. sandee and i will be in utah for that concert the weekend of feb 19. know? :)

lane family said...

Crap. I could have written this too... Although now we are in a neighborhood (a safe one anyway) and we don't have people living below us. It really does make a big difference. I hope you can have that soon.

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