just a note

thanks for all the kind messages. i don't want everyone to think i'm depressed. that's not it. don't get me wrong. the isolated thing is getting me down but it's manageable and i also think it has a good amount to do with winter blues. and there's not been something major that happened other changes at work. there's just lots going on. it's just i've always related better to guys. i'd hop in the car with my best guy friend and we'd head to utah when we needed a break from life. well now that i'm married, that's not really appropriate. i have 'friends' that go on girls weekends once a year. a different set that has a girl's night every month. another set goes on a huge trip every year together. some just have regular lunch dates. maybe i'm jealous. it's not that i want big elaborate things. i just want that group that always has my back. that i can call and they will drop everything and go to dinner so i can pour my guts out or go to a movie and just laugh. i've never been one that enjoys being around girls but at the stage i'm in right now, it's what i need. here's the thing though. i have trust issues. so i don't open up easily. so i want these things but can't seem to relate to girls. i just end up feeling awkward, uncomfortable and socially retarded, thereby making it difficult to get to know anyone. i've said before, it really takes a lot to get me to tell you important things about me and there is two guys and one gal on the planet that know most things about me. that's it. because i worry about judgement. i'm afraid if i say something it will get spread. it's silly but i've been burned. and i stop talking to those i do trust because i feel like a burden. maybe. i don't know. but there's some big things that i want to do. some exciting things. things that could change everything. but they are all bottled up. because i'm too scared to let them out. does that make sense?
hope you're all having a lovely day!