Saturday, February 5, 2011

bazil friese

thursday morning, february 3rd, we got a call from t's stepdad that she went into labor. we were a little shocked since baz wasn't due for 7 more weeks but we were excited. we dropped river off at emily's, took flower to school and then went to the hospital. we went right in to see t and j. they let us know that he went right into nicu, which we expected, and they hadn't seen him yet. shortly after that the nurses came in and asked us to leave because they needed to discuss the baby with t. this was the hard part. because she had just had a c-section and was doped up, the hospital couldn't legally ask her to sign a release form, which would have allowed them to talk to us so we were pretty much left in the dark. the only info we received was a little bit later when we were talking to our attorney and she spoke with the social worker at the hospital who gave our attorney the tip that things didn't look good for him. i was grateful for the social worker telling our attorney that because she didn't have to. but as soon as the attorney said those words into the phone i started to cry and couldn't speak. i handed the phone to kg and didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. my excitement went to immediate sadness. what a roller coaster. we waited for a couple of hours and then realized there wasn't much we could do. they weren't letting anyone see him, including the birth parents. we went and got a ton of comfort food from shangri la, picked up flower, then river and went home and had a picnic on the living room floor and watched a movie. we spent the rest of the day worried sick, hoping we'd hear something, and cuddled up with our girls.
friday morning we dropped flower off at school and then picked up some flowers to take to t. we had hoped to have a good conversation with her. unfortunately when we arrived she had a ton of family there but we were all in the hallway because the nurses were with her. we gave her the flowers and said we'd call her later. another day of worry and agony. during both days kg talked to j, our attorney and the social worker. everyone was kind of stuck and didn't know what to do. finally friday night we got a call from j. he was sobbing so kg could barley understand him but he asked us to come to the hospital with our camera to say our good-bye's. they would be taking him off life support that night. i called kris and cried. unfortunately she couldn't take the girls so i then called sandee and cried some more. she made arrangements for the girls to be watched by jenn but then they'd spend the night with sandee so kg and i could have some time together. i really appreciated that, especially since she was going through her own crud. we dropped the girls off and went to the hospital. we talked with t and j and learned a bit more about what went wrong. he apparently had been having seizures inside her and they don't know how long that was happening. she went to the hospital because she was in pain and once arriving, his heart beat was only 50. they don't know how long it had been that low. her placenta was separating and they took him emergency c-section. his organs were failing and he had low brain function. it was all hard to hear. finally they took us to see him. kg and i stood on one side. i sobbed while kg rubbed my shoulders. j and t were on the other side of him and both of them were sobbing. t wasn't attached to him at all while she carried him(probably to protect herself since she was placing him for adoption) so i was happy to see that she really did love him. i was so happy they gave us this opportunity. he was really beautiful. and he had all the features from t that i'd hoped he would get. a tiny nose and ears and full lips. he was 4 lbs 12 oz., 16 inches long.

perfect hand and perfect ear.
he is holding t's hand.
such a perfect nose and i love his head shape.
kg holding his foot.

love his little peach fuzz hair.

me holding his foot.
baz holding my thumb.

t, j and kg started to leave and i took a minute to myself with him. he seemed so perfect.

it was a very tough weekend. going from such excitement to despair. it's just so hard because although i didn't carry him for nine months, we carried him in our hearts. we loved him and talked about him and planned for him all the same. he is part of our family. it's no different to me. especially to my kids whom know no other way to create a family. all they know is their brother didn't come home. both girls will talk about him at different times. the morning we told them he was born we said, "your baby brother was born!" and river went yelling down the hallway, "bazil bazil bazil!" river has said, "where my baby brudder?" a couple of times. when we told flower he wasn't coming home she cried. several times she has said she misses him. she's also been wetting her pants almost everyday at school since. i cry every night. i'm mourning what he was supposed to be. their baby brother. our third and last child. our only boy. picturing the future with him in it. it's hard. i also cried in the kitchen today as i was making pizza sauce. when i added the basil i teared up. each of the kid's names means something. flower signifies our love of friendships and her middle name is after my mom. river signifies our love for the cabin and her middle name is my middle name. bazil signified our love for cooking and his middle name is kg's grandpa's middle name.
he will never wear this hat i bought him. it was the first thing i bought him. is it not the cutest?! ironically the very next day lynnette showed me the two owl hats that she was getting the girls for christmas. i couldn't wait to have the photo shoot of all 3 wearing their owl hats.
i was just about to put these two blankets in the mail to my aunt peggy to hem stitch so my mom could crochet around the edges.
the dots were one side and the cars the other side.
we'll never see him cuddled up inside of them now. :(
one side the owls, one side solid brown.
he will be so missed.

i decided to do a little retail therapy after he died and bought this necklace i've had my eye on for months! i love it. and now it will forever remind me of our sweet bazil. he passed away saturday, february 5th. rest in peace baby.

i was blown away by the amount of comments we received on facebook. it was so touching and so needed. i felt and feel really alone in this so each person that reached out to us made a huge impact. i hope they know that. kg and flower bought me these flowers. i loved looking at them as i laid in bed.

amanda olsen made a surprise visit. at first, when i heard someone knock at the door i was dreading who it could be. but i didn't realize how much i needed it. especially since she was the only one to visit. she brought us my favorite flowers and some delicious fresh blueberries. so thoughtful! thank you amanda!

the heiner's sent us this beautiful bouquet of white daisies. so lovely.
the sturgill's gave us this lipstick plant. i can't wait for it bloom.
i have each one place in a different spot so no matter where i look i have a reminder of him.
i'm having a hard time not being bitter that i'm back at work on not on maternity leave. i'm also struggling with the fact that unless a very similar situation presents itself, we are done. this situation was everything we needed it to be for us to be able to adopt again. i'm pretty sure we won't sign up with an agency. i guess we'll see. but at this point we are content and feel our family is complete. content and sad all at the same time. i feel angry that it didn't work out too. it seemed too perfect. i guess in the end it was.


Beasmom said...

I have been reading your blog since you brought Flower home.I am also an adoptive mom. Usually just a lurker but am so very very sorry to hear this news. Your sadness and anger are understandable.There are just no words. So sorry for this great loss that all of you are experiencing.

La belle mère said...

Thank you so much for sharing this Ang. I have wanted to know how you're doing, but it's hard to ask. I can't even imagine what it's like to mourn the loss of a baby that most people didn't even know you were expecting. But I do know something about carrying a private pain around, and I am so very very sorry. Just remember how many people are praying for you. <3

koppertop said...

Hi Angie,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know you looked forward to bringing this little one into your family. Thanks for sharing his story even though I can imagine how hard that was to do. Just know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Take special care-
(your sis-in-law Amanda's friend)

Carrie said...

I'm new to your blog and don't know your story, but you are obviously going through a lot. I'm sorry for your loss.

Shannon Lytle said...

Just catching up on your blog. I'm sorry you felt/feel so alone in your pain. And I was shocked to read that you only had one person come visit. That's just not right. I know I'm a hypocrite saying that since I didn't visit, but I am learning from it now for next time a friend goes through such a tragedy. I shouldn't think too much about whether the person would want ME specifically to visit. Just so long as it's SOMEONE, it might as well be me. Does that make any sense? I don't know what I would do if it were my heart breaking and nobody came to offer support and comfort.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and photos. What a beautiful, gut-wrenching post.

p.s. The owl hat is indeed the cutest thing. And the necklace you bought- perfection! Where did you find it?

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