Self Preservation

The brain is an amazing machine. Have you taken the time to notice what you instinctively do in an uncomfortable situation? I had the pleasure tonight which was a bit of self discovery. I have been through several traumatic things in my life that has changed who I am. I have come to realize that I handled most of them in a similar way. We spent the evening with a couple that is very special to us. We met them over 7 years ago when we got married and moved to the area we're still living. Although we didn't get to know them right away, KG and I both had the same vibe from them. They would be very important in our lives and were someone we wanted to know more about. That's exactly what happened. I feel like I have finally met someone that truly understands some of the difficulties that I have because she shares so many of them. Tonight, we were discussing some hard topics. I found myself slipping into an almost trance like state, similar to those I've experienced in traumatic situations. Everything around me begins to look clouded and have sort of a black haze. I start tuning things out around me as a way of protecting myself so that when it's over, it's like it never happened. This is the first time I can recall it happening in a non-traumatic setting. But since I was uncomfortable discussing some of the trauma, my mind took over and began to protect me, making me feel numb. I genuinely wanted to hear the sincere words that were being said to me and therefore, found myself picking at my lips and squeezing them to create pain, to keep myself from going numb to everything around me. That's when I realized that it's very similar to what a cutter must feel. They cut to know they're alive. That's what I felt like tonight. I barely heard the laughter of KG and Flower playing with the train. The only thing that seemed clear to me was their damn dog. It insisted on shoving itself right up against my legs. I wasn't going to let myself go numb. Neither was the dog. It's sensed my discomfort. I now have a fat lip. Lovely. I have mixed feelings about tonight. I want to believe everything that was said because I know it will help me overcome things. I'm just not there yet. I can say that had it been anyone else saying those things to me tonight, I would have run and run fast. I wanted to several times. Good thing that blasted dog was pinning my legs in. That is why trusting friendships are so important. I needed to hear everything that was said. I should have had him write it down because I was in a fog. I don't remember a lot of what was said. I don't trust many people these days. I have found myself becoming more and more antisocial as the year has progressed. Sometimes we definitely work against ourselves and become our worst enemy. I know things were my fault. If I would have done things different. I also think sometimes we create what we fear. I always told myself it shouldn't have happened to her. She was so innocent. I should have protected her. It should have been me. I deserved it more then she did. That must be why this happened. Sometimes it's necessary to put trust into other people to navigate for us for a bit when we are unable. I am grateful for these dear friends and the trust I have in them to allow this...to allow them to navigate for me. I hope they will be patient with me. I also hope I don't end up pushing them away. I tend to do that when someone has broken down a wall. I don't deserve the love their giving me. I'm not looking forward to the next few days. I know myself. I know I will punish myself for letting them in. He stood in while KG gave me an amazing blessing so maybe that will help. I just don't feel like I deserved the wonderful things that were said. I'm already questioning my judgment in trusting them. Sometimes we're our own worst enemy.