Sunday, July 18, 2010

i have a bad attitude

at least that's what i'm telling myself. i'm aware of it and don't know how to shake it. today had potential. the girls slept in till 10 am! and that's even with falling asleep last night before 9 pm. they. are. awesome. this happens often and i'm so grateful that they are good sleepers. anyway. kg wasn't going to church. he was just beat after working all night and needed rest. i didn't want to go to church but i know how much flower loves it and i should go so i got the girls ready and away we went. we were late so we sat in the foyer for a bit. when i stood up to go in the chapel i felt something in my back pop and could barely walk. i'm so tired of chronic back pain. the girls were good in sacrament meeting. lots of changes made today. but i just couldn't shake the feeling of not wanting to be there and kept getting choked up. after that meeting it was primary which flower runs to. she loves her teachers and loves to be there with her friends. audie offered to take river to nursery to see if it would help her want to stay. so i gave it a shot. i just kind of wandered around. my back was hurting too bad to sit in the chairs. at one point kris went in and river kept asking for me. after the second meeting i knew audie would be leaving the nursery so i headed that way to just kind of listen and see how things went. even with kris in there river screamed bloody murder when audie left. she gets very intense. another boys mom left at the same time and her son was screaming as well. she and i were talking and just listening to see if they were going to calm down. brooke and i finally just decided to send audie in to get the two kids. it's not that i can't handle hearing her cry. that's not it at all. i deal with her fits quite often. we discipline her. and we have no problem being consistent and stern. but i don't think it's beneficial for her or the other children to scream like that. instead of audie coming out with the kids, another gal came out with brooke's son and gave us a lecture. i don't need your opinion thank you very much. if i wanted it i'd ask. i've served many years in nursery and i'm not a new parent. nor am i stupid. this same person had treated me like i've never been around children just 15 minutes prior so i was already annoyed. but when i send someone in to get my child, send my freaking child out. i am the parent and i can make my own choices. it was very irritating. and frankly, river's so darn independent the rest of the time that if she wants to be clingy to me at church than i'll take it. and sure enough, audie's daughter got freaked out by all the crying and started crying herself. she struggled for so long to go in and not cry the whole time and now she's feeling secure. we don't need to ruin that unnecessarily. she calmed down and went back in and did fine. river also stayed the whole time and had some fun. she also gave a very cute closing prayer. i heard her saying my name throughout but she didn't scream any more. but that's only because kris was in there which is the same as me being in there. she doesn't scream if i'm in there either and she has fun. comments that were made annoyed me and then i cried all the way home. i know i should be at church but when i go home feeling worse then before i went, instead of uplifted, why would i want to go? i so would have rather been hiking with the girls or playing at the park. and i guarantee i would have felt the spirit much stronger than i did at church.
i don't know what my deal is lately. i've just lost my motivation. i haven't exercised in a few weeks(partly due to river crying in the daycare) but i've also just lost motivation. my sugar addiction is back in full force. the house is a mess. it seems when one thing is out of whack, everything is out of whack. i just don't care. i'd rather be out with the girls and kg than cleaning her exercising. or when it's finally quiet i'd rather watch a show or play on the computer. just don't care. and when it comes to church i've always had issues with certain things(not the doctrine or the people) and i think my fear of those things keeps me from truly benefiting as much as i could. and i know it's all an attitude thing. how can i shake it? how can i get my mojo back?

4 comments:

A-me said...

K this is going to sound umm.. maybe.. a bit strange.. when I'm in need of my mojo, some happy vibes, some much needed smiles I take a visit to my local fabric store that sells all my favorite bright fabrics. It's utter and complete sensory overload for me and I heart it.

Put's a smile on my face, heart races out of joy and I get crazy amounts of endorphins. It's nuts really, I know. It's my happy place and puts me right on track.

Give it a shot :)

Audie said...

Yesterday was fun wasn't it?! NOT!! I don't know how to help with the mojo thing. I'm in need of help too. I don't work out like I should, my place is a mess, and things feel chaotic all the time. I'm going to try something I found on this website.

http://childhoodmagic.blogspot.com/2010/06/creating-rhythm-in-homeschool.html

I want to establish rhythm in the home and this might help. And from that it might branch out to other areas of my life!

Sugar addiction sucks!!! I have been to the library checking out clean eating books by tosca reno. It actually helps a lot. You might want to give that a try. The book makes sense. I'm to the point I'd rather have an apple with peanut butter than anything sugary. I hope something I said helps!!

ang :o) said...

a-me-that is a great idea. you know i always get that feeling when i'm in antique stores. i haven't gone into those stores in years. it's about time. and i love looking at beautiful fabric!

audie-i hate how everything seems to go crazy at the same time. i'm going to look deeper into that web site and book! thanks for the thoughts and ideas.

i feel like if everything was a little more in order in my life, other people's annoying actions wouldn't even phase me.

however, my back pain and emotions on sunday should have been a huge clue! pms. i started the lovely period today and now it all makes sense. :)

thanks girls for the uplifting comments.

Becky Marks said...

I could write a novel on here, since a lot of what you said sounds like it came right out of my brain. Life is SO hard sometimes. And it's SO hard to get out of the funk. If you figure out how, let me know cuz I'm still trying to find the answer myself. :/ And if you ever need to talk, i'm almost always online at night. Feel free to chat!

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