Poor KG

"Why can't I be normal?" That's what KG heard from me over and over as I cried for an hour tonight. Oh wait, I guess "what's wrong with me?" was thrown in there a couple of times as well. What is normal anyway? At least I don't cry very often. I've never been one to think that I was the only one dealing with something. If I'm dealing with something, I know that other people are too. Most things just aren't talked about because it makes us feel weak. Prior to my blogging I didn't talk about my weaknesses either. But then I realized that the blogs I love to read the most are the ones that admit to having weaknesses and crazy moments once in a while. It makes them much more human to me! I'm not quite there with spilling my guts about everything...trust me I'm still a pretty closed book...but I'm working on it! And just because I write a downer poem or story doesn't mean I'm all down in the dumps and depressed. A lot of my poetry tends to be dark even if I'm not. I'm not going to go into complete detail yet about what caused my tears tonight because I'm still not completely sure(or perhaps I don't want to admit it to myself). I will say that I shared with KG some thoughts that I've never shared before about social situations. How do you change something that you don't want to be? I don't know that I know how to change it. But not changing it has only made it worse. That is evident. The insane thing is that most people don't have a clue. People think I'm outgoing but I'm not. My infectious laugh gets me through most situations. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Something just feels remiss. There were a couple of clear things from church on Sunday that I was bothered about and it's annoying to me that it bothers me! How to I change that? How do I make myself not get annoyed? Yeah, I was embarrassed that I got so much praise for the bulletin I did because I can't stand to have 'all eyes on me'. But I also appreciate that they appreciate the amount of time I put into it. It's not something I just throw together. So that's not it. And even though I complain about certain people, I know that's not it. I know what it is, I'm just not ready to admit it and don't know how to change it. I should clarify as well that many times I'm having a great time. But something happens after it's over. Like tonight...I got home, cried for an hour, and now have spent the last couple of hours super cold! Like shaking I'm so cold! All hairs on my legs sticking up constantly with goose pimples cold. Teeth chattering, jaw shaking cold. I am currently wrapped up in two blankets and the thermostat says it's 78...I'm still cold! It does something to my body. It usually has to do with the people. Tonight I went to a quilting group. I really want to learn how to quilt. My aunt is an amazing quilter but she lives in Idaho Falls and I won't be commuting to learn. I have been so excited to do this! It had nothing to do with the people that were there tonight. I had a good time and they are fun ladies. But when I was the only one there, the gal mentioned a couple of names of people that might also come....well, I just hope no one else decides to come because then it won't be fun for me. I just wish I could speak up more. I know it's probably shocking to most of you that I would keep my mouth shut but there are few social situations that I don't clam up. I think part of tonights melt down had to do with another meeting I have this week. I am secretly dreading it. I guess it's not so secret anymore. It makes me feel like such a baby. I don't want to be babied! I just want to not feel this way! There are just people that are going to be there that I feel this way around. Ugh! This is long enough already and just spinning in circles. I had hoped by writing it out I'd be able to figure myself out but no such luck this time. So goodnight! :)

ps-I am so thankful for KG's willingness to listen! :o)