Sunday, March 15, 2009

It's never too late to change.

I've learned a lot about myself this weekend. Or maybe I should say that I was reminded that I've lost the way I am with certain things. I'm not happy about that. There are two people that I have let get to me. One really hasn't done anything to me personally. I just don't like how they've treated my friends or how they've conducted themselves in certain situations. But it's been perpetuated by others around me not liking them. I've participated and I'm not proud of that. The other person did something to me and continues to get under my skin. I just can't figure out why I can't let it go. Probably because she continues the same behavior with other people. But more importantly because I'm still perpetuating it. I don't like how I feel after I've talked about them. I had a really good week last week in general. Then Friday night and Saturday I felt blah. I don't think it's a coincidence that I talked negatively about one of those people for a good portion of Friday evening and then feel like crap the next day. It's only hurting me. I'm glad I'm recognizing that this affects me. It's not who I truly am and I'm going to work really hard about stopping it right now. I spent last week doing so many kind things for people and feel like it ruins all those efforts inside of me to then talk negatively about someone else! I have something in mind to try and rectify those wrongs this week. I want to be a better person. I want be more kind. I also found it interesting that this was on my mind all weekend, but my attempts at not talking about them were thwarted. Then I get into Relief Society and guess what the lesson was about? Being kind and loving. I think the messages being sent to me are getting louder and more clear and I need to start paying attention. The thing that bothered me today is that I had the opportunity to rectify my actions, which kept coming into my head yesterday, but I ignored those promptings and didn't do it because I didn't want to support someone that hurts my friends. (Although I also disagreed with the bases of the situation.) But regardless, I ended up with a figurative slap in the face because those I thought I was standing up for actually participated. I hated how that made me feel. I also need to start following my gut instinct which has been telling me to be careful of what I share with someone and I haven't listened. I might have blown it today. Well now I will. I need to start paying attention to those little things and doing what I feel is right. It's time to change and now is as good a time as any!
I hope you have a lovely Sunday.

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