Holstering the Girls

Be forewarned...this is a post about my chest. If you don't want to read about my chest and the great fun I have finding bras, then close this now. Otherwise read on.

So we are in Vegas and decide to go to an outlet mall. I make it my mission to find a new bra. There are hundreds of stores here, surely this won't be that hard. WRONG! We go to the first store, in which that's pretty much all they sell. Now even though this is my body and all, apparently I'm an idiot and can't possibly know what size I wear. Yes, I realize I appear to have gigantor boobs...but I don't! It's because of my massive rib cage that they jut out so far. But nobody believes me. So we go into this store, KG lovingly assisting me because he's witnessed my frustration. I start looking for my size. My current bra is a 40B. I've been this size for a couple of years. Now, since I've gained weight since August, due to several lovely factors, it's too small. I get out my trusty bra sizer that I keep at home and sure enough it says I'm 43 so I'll need a 42 or 44 and a B or C depending on the brand I buy. I try on at least 20 bras with no luck. I know based on the brands this store had, that indeed I need a B cup in either 42 or 44. Well guess what?! There wasn't a single one in that whole damn store! Am I the only one on the planet that wears that size? I figure maybe I'm just missing them and make the mistake of asking for help. Here's where it's gets fun. I tell the gal what size I need and she looks at me and says, "Oh honey there's no way you're a B! Perhaps that's why you can't find the right one. Come with me and we will measure you." I roll my eyes and look at KG and follow this dumb ass woman. She wraps her tape around me and proclaims I am a 44 DD but suggests I try a D instead. KG wanted to butt in a couple of times and tell her she had the tape all twisted but he knew it was no use. I roll my eyes again, but now it's to myself because during this long process Flower had to go potty so KG went running with her. I follow this idiot around as she proceeds to give me all these bras she just knows are going to fit great! By this time another sales gal is in on it and insists I'm not a B. One by one I put each one of these HUGE bras on, put my shirt back on and waltz out into the store filled with other patrons and prove that my girls aint fillin a D cup. There is so much extra fabric on each side it looks like I've stuffed a sock in each one and it's just a lumpy mess. They all looked shocked. It must be a C then. Again I prove to them that they are not filling a C cup either. They are perplexed. Welcome to my world you whores! Next time listen to the customer and don't waste her time! The crazy thing is in some of them, even the B cup wasn't filled. And no these weren't some foreign brand, these were Playtex and Bali. So on to the next store. Oh goody. Poor KG. I'm so lucky that he's so patient. We then find ourselves at Lane Bryant. This is the store I wanted in the first place but disappointment soon followed. I went through the same dumb thing with 2 sales gals there. There is no way I could possibly know my own bra size. Yes, I do realize that 75% of women are walking around in the wrong bra size but I'm not one of them! This lady measures me at 41 and probably a C or D. PROBABLY? Aren't you the one with the measuring tape in your hands? And you work here? Learn how to measure! I proceed again to try on lots of bras and prove to these dingbats that I do not fill most C cups and certainly not a D, and that my current bra was a 40 and I knew that it was too small and that the 44 felt the best. But who am I? So I give them all back and am about to give up and then it happens. KG talks me into trying on this one bra that is a 44C because they don't have it in a B. It fits! I can't believe it! He is awesome. I spend the rest of the day feeling so much better about myself. It's amazing what a good bra can do for the self-esteem. Once I got back to the hotel, however, I realized that it was now stretched out with too much fabric and gave the appearance of a deflated chest but I'm still wearing it because it's super comfortable! I'm just hoping it will shrink a bit. If only they had had the 44B. I'd be in bra heaven! I'll spare you a photo of my actual chest but here's a photo of a glimpse of the cute pink one I bought that I'm now not going to take the tags off until I find out if the other one I'm wearing will shrink. Otherwise it's going back.


ps-the only store that's ever measured me right is Victoria's Secret. Those girls know what they're doing. Unfortunately, they don't have my current size! :(