Tuesday, May 3, 2011

so good

i have been doing so much better as of late. about a month ago i had a really bad day and night. i text k most of the night. after waking up on tuesday i reread those texts. i was shocked. and it kind of scared me that i could get so angry and have 'tunnel vision' and not be able to get out of my own head. i didn't remember what i had written. it was like reading someone else's texts. tuesday changed everything. things started to click. i had gotten into such a negative routine. every thought was negative. and misery loves company and so i had to share all of my negative thoughts and k was my sounding board. but it wasn't fair. then it hit me. what did i really expect her to do with any of that information. if someone was coming to me saying those things i'm not sure what i'd be able to do. so after that day, i knew that would never happen again. and it hasn't. i knew that my thoughts had to change drastically, and they have. that very same day i found a 'positive' journal online and snagged it up.
i've been writing in it every night, answering the positive questions and can't believe the difference it's making. instead of constantly writing about the negative crap like the counselor wants me to do i'm changing things up and focusing on the positive. to lay in bed and have to think about all the good things about the day keeps me from thinking about the negative. and it's working. every morning i wake up and ask what good i can do for someone that day. and then i strive to achieve it. i'm also rediscovering my passions. one of which is taking photos just because. i love the process of finding something beautiful and capturing it. something as simple as jones soda pop. and then coming home and seeing it on the computer, it's pure joy. i'm also going to start volunteering again. the girls and i volunteered to help with race for the cure. i got online last week and signed up for 3 other organizations to help. kg and i also signed up for some community education classes together. we went to our first one last week and it was so fun to be learning with him. i just feel like a new person. i feel like i have really snapped out of it. and when those negative thoughts start creeping back in, i have several things in place to ward them off. it feels so good and i'm feeling like my old self more and more. i think i am finally moving beyond the pain of losing the baby.

and because of rediscovering my passions my anxiety has decreased. i delivered dinners two weeks ago. i deliberately went later in the day so that i wouldn't have the time constraint of flower's piano lessons. normally i send k or i'm in and out as soon as possible but this time was different, and it felt so good. i spent time at each home. i hugged them and talked to them and found out how they were really doing. and i enjoyed the conversations! i found out all about M's time with her family when her husband was home and it meant something to me. it made me love her more and appreciate what she's going through. i got to chat with A and realize the sacrifices she's making while her husband is out of town working. i will definitely be helping her more! i had no idea. and T is just as cute as can be and i don't know how she keeps it all together. she made me laugh and that felt good. A is wonderful as always and plugging away as a single mom and i don't know how she does it. they are all amazing ladies! and yesterday became more about how much i love them instead of the food i was taking. it felt good.

i have made some big decisions in the last two weeks that have really taken a load off my heart. that feels good too.

i accepted a new calling last week as a primary teacher. if i was asked a month ago, i would have kindly said no thank you. i am excited about it.

I am surrounding myself with good. i am going out more and being with the people that bring me joy.

life is good. it feels so good to say that and mean it. :)

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