This is not a pity party, just my thoughts. I have really been trying to make some changes as of late. Just trying to be a better person, love myself more and be kind to myself and others. That sums it up nicely. :) Anyway, as much as I write on here, because it is my journal after all, there is still so many thoughts stewing in this brain of mine that I never share. Amazing isn’t it? Sometimes things are just too personal. Shocking again...I know. For me it’s different though. I can talk about sex and bodily functions till the cows come home, that to me is not that big of deal. I have even gotten brave and shared when I’ve struggled with mood and other things that made me feel like a psycho. :) I would have never done before I started blogging. Somehow this ’journal in public’ has opened me up a bit. Believe it or not I’m still a pretty closed book. But even deeper still are those really personal thoughts that I just fear judgment of. Sooo, I have a little book and decided that as often as I can I will write and just go crazy writing every single thing that comes to my head, whether it makes sense or not. I took it with me to church yesterday and got started in Sacrament Meeting. Church lately has been emotional for me so I knew that would be a great place to start. If I’m feeling the spirit and therefore emotional, all other trapped things will more easily come to the surface. It felt really good to write. Some of the things I was writing made my eyes well up several times. I shared it with KG last night. It was nice to see his expression to what I’d written. I look forward to continuing in hopes of learning more about myself. One thing I found myself thinking while still as church is that I have some really great friends, guys and gals as well as couples. I have a lot of friends! But sometimes they just feel like ’surface friends’. Does that make sense? I don’t really feel like I have a real connection with anyone. I find it very hard to open up with people. There are some that I do open up too but a real connection is two sided. Like there are some really great and exciting thoughts swimming around in my head that could change our lives and I don’t feel like I have someone that I can call to share that stuff with(other then KG of course!) Is that enough though? Should my husband, who’s my best friend, be enough? Should I feel the desire to have other close connections? I don’t know why this is hard for me to admit but for about three years I’ve just felt socially awkward. Sometimes I feel like I’ve leaned too much on KG when I have felt uncomfortable in a situation and that became habit and just made things worse. I intend to work on that. Perhaps I just feel like life has become all about me and I haven’t made myself available for people to open up to. There is good reason for that. I have deliberately held people at bay from sharing their ’issues’ with me because I tend to take on other peoples problems and lately, that hasn’t been good for me. It tends to be a trigger for things I am already dealing with and makes me worse. I’m realizing that may not be the best thing for me anymore though. One thing I want to work on is being able to help someone and be there for them without 'taking that on' and living it. It’s about finding the balance because that’s who I am and I feel like something is missing when I’m not helping people. Perhaps if I work on me and figure out who I am, my heart will be more open to closer, healthy relationships. I have realized one thing this weekend, I have everything deep within ME to make the changes I need to make. I don't need to go somewhere else. I just need to dig deep and trust myself. I also need to be patient with myself. Changes aren’t going to happen over night and I shouldn’t expect them to. April is my month!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thoughts That Lead to Changes.
This is not a pity party, just my thoughts. I have really been trying to make some changes as of late. Just trying to be a better person, love myself more and be kind to myself and others. That sums it up nicely. :) Anyway, as much as I write on here, because it is my journal after all, there is still so many thoughts stewing in this brain of mine that I never share. Amazing isn’t it? Sometimes things are just too personal. Shocking again...I know. For me it’s different though. I can talk about sex and bodily functions till the cows come home, that to me is not that big of deal. I have even gotten brave and shared when I’ve struggled with mood and other things that made me feel like a psycho. :) I would have never done before I started blogging. Somehow this ’journal in public’ has opened me up a bit. Believe it or not I’m still a pretty closed book. But even deeper still are those really personal thoughts that I just fear judgment of. Sooo, I have a little book and decided that as often as I can I will write and just go crazy writing every single thing that comes to my head, whether it makes sense or not. I took it with me to church yesterday and got started in Sacrament Meeting. Church lately has been emotional for me so I knew that would be a great place to start. If I’m feeling the spirit and therefore emotional, all other trapped things will more easily come to the surface. It felt really good to write. Some of the things I was writing made my eyes well up several times. I shared it with KG last night. It was nice to see his expression to what I’d written. I look forward to continuing in hopes of learning more about myself. One thing I found myself thinking while still as church is that I have some really great friends, guys and gals as well as couples. I have a lot of friends! But sometimes they just feel like ’surface friends’. Does that make sense? I don’t really feel like I have a real connection with anyone. I find it very hard to open up with people. There are some that I do open up too but a real connection is two sided. Like there are some really great and exciting thoughts swimming around in my head that could change our lives and I don’t feel like I have someone that I can call to share that stuff with(other then KG of course!) Is that enough though? Should my husband, who’s my best friend, be enough? Should I feel the desire to have other close connections? I don’t know why this is hard for me to admit but for about three years I’ve just felt socially awkward. Sometimes I feel like I’ve leaned too much on KG when I have felt uncomfortable in a situation and that became habit and just made things worse. I intend to work on that. Perhaps I just feel like life has become all about me and I haven’t made myself available for people to open up to. There is good reason for that. I have deliberately held people at bay from sharing their ’issues’ with me because I tend to take on other peoples problems and lately, that hasn’t been good for me. It tends to be a trigger for things I am already dealing with and makes me worse. I’m realizing that may not be the best thing for me anymore though. One thing I want to work on is being able to help someone and be there for them without 'taking that on' and living it. It’s about finding the balance because that’s who I am and I feel like something is missing when I’m not helping people. Perhaps if I work on me and figure out who I am, my heart will be more open to closer, healthy relationships. I have realized one thing this weekend, I have everything deep within ME to make the changes I need to make. I don't need to go somewhere else. I just need to dig deep and trust myself. I also need to be patient with myself. Changes aren’t going to happen over night and I shouldn’t expect them to. April is my month!
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