Lunatic

I pretty much earned myself 'the worst mom of the year' award tonight and it's only January! What the hell is wrong with me?! Don't answer that! I am so ashamed of myself and embarrassed to boot. Too bad there wasn't a camera around...you would have had a good laugh. Flower has had a hard time with bed lately (and she would FLIP OUT when kg left for work). Lots of nights I'd fall asleep before her and I don't go to bed early! So we switched things up and now I put her to bed instead of KG, hoping that maybe a new routine will help her a bit. This just started Sunday but the first two days went well. Tonight was also going well. Then about 15 minutes after KG left she started crying. I went in a gave her a kiss and squeeze and she wanted her music on and then she was fine. Ten minutes later she was screaming again. I go in to see what is going on because she sounds distressed. She had her pants off and her shirt was stuck around the top of her head because she couldn't get it unbuttoned. Trying to remain calm I put her pajamas back on her and lay her down and tell her to go to sleep. Then she starts to SCREAM at the top
of her lungs because she wants her pajamas off and her music off. I tried to ignore her and it got worse. I turned the TV on and then was deliberately yelling just a touch louder then I had the volume. So I stomped in there, thinking I would scare her with my loud stomps. Instead, my toes on my right foot get caught in the cuff of my left pant leg. This happened right at the beginning of our *HUGE* kitchen! *note the sarcasm* everything.is.happening.in.slow.motion. I'm grasping for anything to keep me from falling. No can do. I fall on both my knees. I was going pretty fast so I fell hard. Now my knees, right ankle and lower back are in lots of pain. Then I was even more mad and get right her face with clenched teeth and tell her to go to sleep. It took everything in me not to scream. As I'm going back through the kitchen to asses the damage, I discover my new favorite pottery butter dish, in which KG bought me from the Saturday Market, is busted on the floor. I then began to cry (out of shame, sadness of the broken gift, pain and most of all embarrassment) that I let a two year old get the best of me and didn't just find the humor in the whole situation to begin with. I cried for an hour wondering what the hell was wrong with me and thinking I am the worst parent and she deserves so much better! That is not the kind of mom I would want.
I think part of it is this apartment. I have alway been a night person. She can sing and talk all night long for all I care. She just has to stay in her bed, that way there is some hope that she'll go to sleep. The problem is when she starts screaming, I get stressed out that the neighbor is going to be bothered. We can hear her cough so we know she can hear a screaming child. It's one thing during the day but I know she goes to bed early and I don't want Flower waking her up with the screaming.
My goal is now to work on trying to hold it together instead of acting like a maniac. Maybe by outing myself as a lunatic it will help keep myself in check.
I just hope she remembers the part of the night just prior to her going to bed rather this lovely episode. We were reading scriptures and saying prayers. It was KG's night to read. Flower was on his lap. She was talking so I put my finger to my mouth and did the 'shoosh' thing. Then I did it again but this time I pushed the tip of my nose up with my finger like a pig nose and she
busted up. So then she kept trying it while KG is trying to hold her hand down and make her be reverent and we pretty much laughed all the way through KG's reading. So then it came time for me to say the family prayer. As soon as I started saying it Flower starts laughing and then I start laughing. She then says, 'poop' several times to be obnoxious and there's no stopping us. We could not stop laughing. We had to stop the prayer so she could go potty. There was no way I was moving because I didn't think I'd make it. We finally resumed and started the prayer over again and made it through.
I love uncontrollable laughter...especially with her! I am going to try harder to be the mom that I would want!