The truth of the matter.

I'll just recap a bit...The shower was really well done and Jenna was great....I had fun taking photos and it was nice to hide behind my camera a bit. Now, if I'm going to be honest, I have to say, if I wasn't taking photos, I would have bailed halfway through. Not because it sucked but because a few people, R, S and F to be sure, bring something out in me that I don't like. I am really struggling with this. I was having fun with Kathy and then they arrive and I immediately feel uncomfortable. And knowing that if they didn't show up, I'd be having the best time. A few people should not have that affect on me. I have never been this affected by someone in my entire life. I don't know what is wrong with me. And it is me. It's not that they are doing anything in particular, or rather they may not realize what they are doing, but I start feeling physically ill when I'm around them. It's me that I'm mad at because I can't seem to control the feelings and I'm not used to that. It's gone on for months now. I give myself a pep talk before and just convince myself to have fun and not to pay any attention. Then they walk in, the same 'event' happens each time, and bam, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I just don't know what to do. They probably have no idea they have this affect on me. What has changed in me that I have allowed myself to be affected this way? It's overwhelming. Same thing at church yesterday. I cried most of the way through Sacrament meeting because I am so frustrated at myself for these feelings. Serious tears streaming down my cheeks, spots all over my glasses and sniffing my running snot to the point of KG telling me go to the bathroom. (I'm quiet about it so I don't think anyone else around me had a clue.) And I wouldn't go to the bathroom because then people would see me. My sleeves were lovely. I always lean forward when this happens because I HATE to be seen crying. Anyway, I just hate the way I feel inside with this whole issue. And the ironic part is that lots of people have an aversion to someone in particular. It's pretty common these days. Well, I'd rather be her best friend then have to be within a mile of these people. Since I don't like what this brings out in me I just remove myself from the situation so we bailed from church. It makes me not want to be there or anywhere they might be. And the only person that it's hurting is me. I even sent a text to a BR member to see of he had any advice. I really do want to figure this out. He offered to call after church but of course I chickened out and told him not to worry about it. I don't want to be needy or be 'that girl'. I've seen 'that girl' at church before. The ones that cry every Sunday and seems unstable and has to have the full attention of the Bishop/ric at all times. I don't want that to be me. That's why I leave before anyone sees that I have been or am crying. I do know one huge factor in this mess and it makes me regret the start of any of it. Which is sad because so much good has come of it too but it would be easier if it wasn't there. And I just can't imagine that part not being there because most of the time it's pure joy.
Perhaps some changes need to be made, even if at first they sting.
The crappy part is I truly do feel fulfilled around most of the ladies in our ward. I'll be the one to suffer if I stop going to things just for the sake of not feeling uncomfortable around a few. I have a lot to learn from them and it would be a huge loss for me. But maybe it's better. I wish I could say what I really think and feel about the whole thing but it's too personal to be written here. And it really makes me feel small and ashamed.
When I leave this type of situation, I feel like crap for a good amount of time after because I am angry that I have let someone bring these kinds of feelings out in me.
It's ridiculous. I need it to stop. But how?